I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
