I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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