I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Randomize
