we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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