So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
