Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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