I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.