he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night