she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
