Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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