It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
