Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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