I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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