i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
