Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Randomize
