how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
