i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
