Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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