Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
