i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
