I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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