He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
