Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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