A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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