just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We need to get me chipped asap
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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