On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
