I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
