why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
