btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
