Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
