I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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