I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
