I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
