We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
