That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
