Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
