Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
