Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
