Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
