my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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