I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.