just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
