You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
