I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.