I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.