I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Man Helps Gorilla Find His Next Tinder Date
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?