Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
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he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
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Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.