My brain says no but my pants say off.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
