I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
