So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
