I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
