We won't sleep together?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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