do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
