I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
