I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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