the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
