plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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