It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So much rum. So many feels.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
