I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
