The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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