the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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