so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
