I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
