It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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