I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
