she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
