I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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